You Have to Want to be Coached

But sometimes we forget.

You Have to Want to be Coached

It’s simple, yet powerful. But sometimes we forget.

I was reminded of this while golfing with my 18 year old son over the weekend. Recently, he has become very interested in learning to play the game.

Here are a few helpful facts:

First, before having kids, I played a lot of golf. I learned the dynamics of the golf swing and actually taught a few people how to play.

Second, my son believes he should be good at everything right away. His normal approach is to muscle through and figure it out himself, without asking questions or being curious.

Also, my son is strong. He has spent the last 18 months in the weight room. Creatine, an obscene amount of protein, and a commitment to hit the weights six days a week. And it has paid off! He is ripped!

On Saturday, we headed to a nearby par three course that has a driving range. I was pumped to be golfing with my son! Let’s go!

But his mood shifted a little when I told him we’d start by hitting balls on the driving range. Depending on how things went, we might actually play 9 holes.

He just wanted to play.

He couldn’t understand why we were wasting time on the range when all the fun was on the course.

Right off the bat, he grabbed a driver, put a range ball on the practice tee, and channeled all of his strength into his swing.

He missed the ball completely.

He “topped” the next ball, and watched it bounce only about 50 yards down the range. The next swing wasn’t any better. It was an immediate joy killer. Things were not going as he had hoped.

Between swings, I said things like, “golf is not about strength, it’s about technique.” And, “you can’t expect to be good at golf right away”. While I intended to be helpful, my comments were instead interpreted as critique.

His face showed a mix of frustration (at me) and anger (with the results he was getting). His eyes said, “I suck at golf, and I wish you would stop critiquing me!”.

Then, I asked the magic question:

“Son, do you want me to coach you? Or, do you want to practice on your own?”

He took a second to process the question.

After a moment, he said, “I want you to coach me.”

The question unlocked something in him.

Before I asked the question, my input was seen as criticism and judgement.

But after he considered the question, my input turned into helpful guidance.

His posture changed.

He relaxed. He actually turned his shoulders toward me and waited.

He became coachable.

And good things happened! His tee shot on the 9th hole landed pin high, and he was putting for a birdie!

The question was a catalyst to shift from friction to alignment.

Is your team interpreting your input as critique and judgement? Is there friction?

Let’s Talk

If you want leaders who are posturing themselves for coaching, start by asking the question: “Do you want me to coach you?”

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